My Life What a JOKE!
by Biggreenman
Summary: AU. H/H. Harry is a 16 year old muggle who knows nothing of the Wizarding world . . . until that day.
1. Summary

My Life . . . What a JOKE!  
  
By: Biggreenman  
  
Disclaimer: If you think I own Harry Potter then I want a large amount of whatever you are smoking.  
  
Genre: AU, Romance, Action/Adventure  
  
Category: Harry/Hermione, Draco/Pansy, Ginny/Cho (Slash)  
  
Rating: Um . . . R, kind of. FF.net will no longer allow me to post Nc-17 fics so I will simply cut those scenes out of the fic. If you want them then I will email those sections to the individual reader.  
  
Summary: AU. According to Wizarding History fifteen years ago a one year old Harry Potter single handedly destroyed the dark lord as the Avada Kedavra curse backfired on its summoner . . . Killing both The Dark Lord and Harry Potter in the process. It is said that either Peter Pettigrew or Sirius Black betrayed the Potters to their deaths, although it is impossible to find out which was the betrayer as the next morning both were found by Aurors, they had both been subjected to the Dementor's kiss. Remus Lupin had last been seen in the Wizarding world the day of the Potters Funeral. Fifteen years later, faithful Death Eater Lucius Malfoy has finally hunted down the werewolf living as a muggle in London, but when Malfoy goes too extract some revenge from the wolf he finds Lupin's adopted muggle son of much more interest . . . his name was Harry.  
  
Setting: AU. Harry is 16.  
  
Author's Note #1: Yeah, I know I should be hard at work doing part 4 of Dark War but guess what . . . IT'S DONE! A bloody shame I can't post it. FF.net has stopped excepting Nc-17 entries. I will be continuing to write the fic but I have nowhere to post it. PLEASE give me any info on other places I can post the rest of Dark War.  
  
Author's Note #2: I write for feedback so PLEASE send me some. 


	2. Prologue Journal Entry 1

My Life . . . What a JOKE!  
  
Prologue ~ Journal Entry #1  
  
July 7th 2001, Journal Entry #1  
  
How the hell do you start one of these anyway? 'Dear Diary' . . . FUCK NO! WAY to clichéd for my taste. 'HI!' . . . Oh. My. God. I don't think I will ever be that cheerful again. The thought is completely sickening. How about: 'I'm Harry Potter, and today my simple, small town, life was turned completely on its head.'; yeah. That sounds good.  
  
I bet your wondering what I'm going on about here. And why the hell I'm putting all these confusing thoughts into a journal that's purpose is to straighten out my head; not confuse me more. But give me a break, after all I've been through today I am having a pretty good time grounding my thoughts in the mundane. Tangents are my friend at this moment simply because they allow my mind to leave the dark place it has currently crawled . . . no, been dragged KICKING AND SCREAMING, into. But come on, who could blame me?  
  
But anyway, just 'cause I don't want to deal doesn't mean I don't have too. SO, here goes.  
  
I'm Harry Potter and today my simple, small town, life was turned up on it's head. Today a man almost killed me. Today a man saved my life . . . and today I met HER, and the safe, happy life I knew, the one where I am Captain of the Footie team. Have a babe of a girlfriend. And always know what's going on around me, ended. And a new life began . . . or maybe a safe existence ended and I've just started to truly live . . . I'm Harry Potter and today I found out I was a wizard.  
  
To Be Continued . . . maybe.  
  
Hey,  
  
I know I am taking too long on getting parts out for Dark War but I just had to write this. It wont be anywhere near as long as Dark War will eventually be but I hope you will like it. This is the first AU fic I have ever done so I need FEEDBACK. The prologue is really short but it sets up the entire story quite nicely.  
  
Unlike Dark War it this will be more romantically based than action, although it will have Harry kicking some Death Eater arse.  
  
Tell me what you think,  
  
Jonathan  
  
(Biggreenman) 


	3. Part One Welcome to My World

My Life . . . What a JOKE!  
  
Part One ~ Welcome to My World  
  
  
  
July 8th 2001, Journal Entry #2  
  
Now that I think back on it, I've never had a normal life. I know what you're thinking, I can practically hear you screaming: "Melodramatic much?!" Okay, I'll give you that one, I am kind of a 'Drama Queen' . . . or would that be 'Drama King'? Whatever . . . anyway, back to my wild and wacky life that I suddenly see in a whole new light. I know after my last entry you want too know what the hell I was talking about but you'll have to wait a bit; 'cause to truly understand what's going on with my life right now you have to know my life before, or lack thereof.  
  
First of all you have to understand that my parents died in a car accident when I was just over a year old . . . or at least I thought they had, funny how amusing that thought seems now. But anyway, when my parents died I went to live with my aunt and uncle. Now my aunt and uncle didn't want anymore children, they had one son that they spoiled rotten, and that was enough for them. I think that's what started my aunt off on her whole 'More trouble than your worth' brigade. Thanks Aunt Petunia. Feeling the love. I don't think a day went by she didn't utter those words to me. Did wonders for my self-esteem, you can imagine.  
  
I'd like to say that was the first and last time in my life I did something to piss them off. Key word being 'LIKE'. Hell I was always doing something to piss them off. Did I mention my little problem with tardiness? If there was one thing that really annoyed them it was when I was late, so naturally I was always late. Remus thinks he's funny and says I'm going to miss my own funeral. Key word: 'THINKS' he's funny. Hilarious Remus. Fucking Hilarious. So I'm occasionally what I like to call 'fashionably late', who gives a shit? The party doesn't start till I get there anyway. But I'll tell you more about Remus in a minuet.  
  
So I lived with my evil aunt and uncle. I can honestly say that my guardians disserved each other. My uncle hated me more than my aunt though. He would always tell me how horrible and stupid I was. And he was an intense alcoholic. The bastard never ever hit me but there were so many times when I wished that he would so I could have reason to go to the police and beg to be placed with Remus, hell, even in foster care.  
  
Except the problem with that was that I could never have left behind all my stuff. What can I say. I'm greedy. Crazy Vernon, a.k.a. my uncle, made more in one year doing 'hell if I know what' than most people make in a life time. I had mountains of stuff, and stuff for my stuff for my stuff. I was a stuffaholic. Lucky for me nobody gave a flying fuck about me so I got away with anything I wanted. Hmm, yeah, real lucky. . .  
  
Now, a little about Remus. Since I was about six I used to get visits about three or four times a year from a man who explained he was a friend of my parents. You guessed it, Remus Lupin. He explained that after my parents died he took me to live with my aunt and uncle. That should have tipped me off right there that not all was as it should be, I mean come on. DCS should have placed me with my relatives not some friend of my parents. But I was six at the time and I never really thought too hard about it. What mattered to me was I had someone besides my aunt, uncle, and cousin to associate with. Of course whenever Remus was coming for a visit my aunt and uncle would make it very clear to me too act as if we were one big happy family. Or else. So every time Remus would leave he would be left with just that little bit more assurance that he had left me in good hands. Ironic isn't it? But it wasn't Remus's fault. He had never known my relatives other than the brief and sporadic occasions when he would engage them in small talk when he came to visit me.  
  
Now Remus lived in an average sized, two bed, two bath, house in Hillingdon. Just outside inner-city London. I knew he was married but at the time I hadn't met his wife, Arabella. And you will never, in a million years guess what he did for a living. He's a guidance counselor! Let me tell you how cool it is to have a guidance counselor as a friend. He's a cornball and a dork and cheesy as hell but you know something? He does a damn good job at guidance counseling if you ask me. I mean he's not all bad. He really cares about the kids, and he's got some really good material that just cracks you up. When I was a kid he was really funny, and I still think he's fun. And I should know, I live with him.  
  
Yep, you heard correct. I'm living with him. Permanently. Residing in Hillingdon. This is where I used too insert my fake smile and pipe up in my most disgustingly cheerful voice, "Oh sure, of course I'm excited to be moving in with Remus. I missed him all the time because I never got to see enough of him before. It's just fabulous. I know he'll be able to take good care of me after a tragedy like this. I'm really lucky to still have him." I'd like to thank the Academy for this wonderful award; I couldn't have done it without all those years of practice B.S.ing my way through life, that, and, of course, the influence of my aunt. Thank you. Thank you all. Okay, no really, that speech is worth a million bucks. It sells like lemonade on a 110 degree day.  
  
So why did I move in with Remus, you are wondering, after I said I could never leave my stuff? Well when I was 14, the old man finally did her in. Crazy Vernon drank a little too much for the last time and put his $175,000 car into the side of a semi when he and Aunty were on their way back from one of their parties. Man did that really put a dampener in my weekend plans. Dudley went to live with his aunt on Uncle Vernon's side.  
  
The funeral was really extravagant. Not at all to my surprise, Aunt Petunia had already planned and paid for it down to the most minute detail. Morbid, I know. I don't think she ever expected to go so soon, she just didn't trust my incompetence to handle things as important as which lipstick her corpse was to be wearing. And god-forbid her precious 'Dudders' do any work. Everyone kept saying how sorry they were for my loss. Sorry that the heartless bitch and the devious bugger were no longer around to make my life hell. But at the funeral, I can honestly say I felt nothing. I wasn't glad but I certainly wasn't sad either. I was just empty.  
  
They never really mentioned me in the will at all. It wasn't much of a will at all, really. Mainly just funeral preparations and a bunch of legal mumbo jumbo that I didn't understand. All I needed to understand was that I didn't get any money. All that, of course, went to there son, 'The Amazing Whale Child'. At first that kind of pissed me off but later, when I realized I didn't have to live with the Evil Nazi Bitch, A.K.A. Aunt Marge, and got too go stay with Remus; I realized it was well worth it.  
  
Could life get any better? I got to live with Remus, I got to go to school without the whale boy, AND I got my baby. Now you're wondering what my 'baby' is right. My 1999 BMW 'M' series Roadster. Technically speaking the Dursleys had bought the car for the Whale; it was on his birthday list a couple of years ago even though he couldn't drive, but it soon became apparent that Dudley could not fit in the car. So as to keep an appearance of normality they gave the car to me. I could live with that cast-off. Less than a year later the Dursleys kicked the bucket and the car was pretty much forgotten about, which meant it went to me.  
  
Now you're asking yourself how I could drive it at that 14. I was granted a learning permit at 13 because of 'special circumstances'. Vernon's secretary had left and he needed someone too fill in . . . someone that worked for free. I was blessed with that wonderful task and Vernon talked to a friend of his and got me a learning permit from god knows where so that I could run errands. Not that I was complaining.  
  
Anyway, let's fast-forward too moving in with Remus. YAY! HAPPY DAY! I was finally free of the oppressive little, sniveling, weasels that had called themselves my relatives. Life was good. I met Arabella for the first time that day. She's pretty cool. A little on the 'High on life' side of the spectrum for my tastes but whatever. I remember wanting to run for the hills when she first greeted me. She was wearing this sweatshirt that said : 'Pat your self on the back!'. I really want to know where she got those things. I have a friend that would love one. Anyway, when I got to their home they welcomed me with smiles and Arabella gave me a hug. Now that might not sound like too big a deal to you but too me it was freaky. All that PDA when I was used to barely being acknowledged by anyone. I have since gotten used to Arabella's touchy-feely ways.  
  
Like I said they have an average sized home about five minuets away from his school, on foot. I got the smaller of the two bedrooms in the house but I didn't mind. To have ANYWHERE was exhilarating. Now at the Dursley's I had had a much larger and well decorated room but it had never really been mine. It was more like a cupboard disguised as a bedroom. All of the stuff the Dursleys didn't want 'cluttering up the house' was put there; including me. Now remember this is the Dursleys, there definition of stuff they didn't want was anything to do with me. In Remus's home I didn't feel like some hidden skeleton in there closet. I didn't feel like the room I had been given was a 'cupboard'. I felt as if it was mine, my space, a place completely associated with me. And unlike in the Dursleys home, that wasn't a bad thing. I was free of those people.  
  
However much I loved the room I was not in denial either. It was not meant for someone to live in. It had obviously been an office of some sort before all of the stuff in it was moved out and placed in a small space off the living room and a bed, desk, and chair had been moved in their place. Remus gave me 500 pounds too re-do the room however I wanted it once he moved in. But that just made it better. Remus had gone out of his way to find space for me to stay when he could of just had DCS take me to foster care. Remus had said that when I felt like redecorating the room to give him a couple days notice and he would help me. Now I know some of you are shaking your heads sympathetically but it really isn't that bad. Remus may have suddenly become my guardian but he was also a guidance counselor. When we were redecorating I totally expected him too start ordering me around and giving 'suggestions', but he didn't. He just stood by calmly and did what I asked him to do. The result turned out quite nice if I do say so myself.  
  
The first thing we did was completely get all the crap that used to be there out of the way. That included not only the bed, desk, and small chair; but also two of the small phone jacks in the room, the boring grey carpeting, the ceiling mount for the TV and the TV to go with it, and the closet door. When all that was done I was left with a space I could work with. A 25 x 30 foot open canvas for me to mold into my own. Not to mention my balcony. Oh, didn't I mention? My window was the kind that swung open like a miniature door, while taking down the HORIBLE blue curtains I noticed that my room was right over what used to be the kitchen of the house and was now the dining room. The house had been extended to add a large 30 x 30 kitchen some years ago. As my room was on the second floor the roof of the extension was directly outside my bedroom window. Giving me a 30 x 30 balcony. All in all, I couldn't have asked for a better space to decorate.  
  
First of all, to my great surprise, under that crappy carpet was (insert gasp here) HARD WOOD FLOORS! Hard wood floors that looked like they had seen world war three and lived to tell the tale; but hard wood floors none- the-less. So on went a plush blue rug with a nice black trim-looked quite nice, if I do say so myself. Then I and Remus got to play with paint! Of course Remus started feeling light headed half way through painting the walls and fell off the ladder and right on his arse. Not long after that I had midnight grey walls. Next went my flat-screen TV on the far wall. Dudley had not wanted the stuff in my room because it was, as he put it, 'Potter's Crap'. The desk that Remus had left in there was not completely un-salvageable-we repainted it (black) and shoved it in the far corner. Next went my old bed. My old king-sized bed. It took up a good bit of the room but it fit ion really well. I made it up with silver sheets and a black comforter Remus had magic-ed up out of nowhere. . . come to think of it Remus just MIGHT have magic-ed up that comforter from out of nowhere! But I'm getting off topic. THAT will come later. So after that was finished all that was left to do was put up a couple of red cloth hangings to cover the entrance to the closet and to set up my laptop stuff on the desk.  
  
Now school. I had always been pretty popular in school. Dudley had always gone to private school so I never saw him during the week except for mornings and evenings. But, of course, as I moved away from my old school I also left all my old friends. That wasn't too big of a deal to me. At that school I had had buddies, and girlfriends, and girls that WANTED to be my girlfriend, but I hadn't ever really had someone that I could just sit and talk to about everything and nothing. So I was hoping that in this new school I would get some close friends. The school was the one Remus worked for, Abbotsfield. Abbotsfield was an all boys school that, ironically, shared its grounds and TEACHERS with Evelings-the local all girls school. I know, I know-us students didn't understand it either.  
  
Unfortunately I didn't make any really close friends at Abbotsfield-not that I didn't have anyone to hang out with. I was fairly popular and well liked around school and, like at my last school, had a tone of mates I could get together with and have a laugh. But it was enough for me. Soon after I joined the school I got a girlfriend. Danielle, Dani for short. Blonde. Medium height. A bust that would put most super-models to shame. IQ number ranging somewhere between an ant and a goldfish-not that I was really dating her for her intellect. She had many other assets. To this day I still blush at the thought of the first time I realized just how 'gifted' she was. I don't blush at what we did but more at what happened the day after. Dani and I had been pretty quiet that first night-or so I thought. The next day when I went down for breakfast, Dani had left in the night, there was a 36 pack of condoms sitting on my plate instead of the bacon and eggs I was expecting. Both Remus and Arabella were nursing cups of coffee but they were both grinning at me. Before I had had a chance to say anything Remus had got up, kissed Arabella on the cheek, gave me a casual wave goodbye, and set off to go to work. Just as he was going out the door he muttered just loud enough for Arabella and I to hear: "Ribbed for her pleasure." Arabella had burst out laughing as my face flushed red. Like I said before-fucking hilarious-Remus is.  
  
That was about four months ago. Not much had happened since then . . . except for yesterday of course. But it's late and I'm tired. I'll tell you all about what happened yesterday tomorrow. Besides, I'll have more to say about what my life has become then-I'm meeting this old codger Dumbledore in the morning.  
  
Well, I guess we'll see what happens then. See yeah next time.  
  
  
  
Harry Potter sighed as he slowly stood up from his seat on the bed in this strange room-his new room now. He crossed over to the stone wall on the far side of the room and put his journal down on the dresser there.  
  
He knew for a fact that nothing was going to be the same again, but for the life of him he couldn't figure out if that was good or bad.  
  
To Be Continued   
  
Hey,  
  
I know that this should have been out a long time ago and that it should have been longer but I really couldn't write. My Grandfather died last month and I just haven't felt like writing till now. BUT, I'm back and ready to continue both my fics.  
  
To anyone that cares, I have decided to re-post Dark War here as well as at a yahoo group. The Nc-17 parts of that fic will be marked as such in the chapter.  
  
PLEASE tell me if you like!  
  
Jonathan  
  
(Biggreenman)  
  
P.S.  
  
I would like to thank Red Dragon Order and Blue Eyes for reviewing. 


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